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i was kept up most of the night in pain, then in a haze of pain medicine most of the day. .. .. i've been doing much pondering lately about my work- how i want to move forward and what is required of me in this moment. .. .. .. i can't write the way i used to write. i can't listen to music the way i used to. what i want to hear is power- real power. power that heals, that confronts, and that invites others into its embrace. power that straightens the back of ppl who feel broken, and power that is not afraid to identify and divest from what is illusory and oppressive. this moment in history requires nothing less, and anyone that is willing to do the good work must do it. i've always felt like the options for a woman playing music are so narrow. be consumed, digested, annihilated into something unthreatening. i can't allow for that. so i'm letting the universe know that i'm ready to be of service- whatever it is i can give, i'll do it. tribes will be formed. the future will be filled with community and solidarity. cross my ❤️ .. .. .. i woke up from a haze to this text. just what i needed to hear- another little push from a beloved friend and collaborator. an amazing film maker who directed "the body knows" and was so incredibly sensitive and loving in helping me tell a painful story. did i mention that he and his wife (another incredible human being) just greeted their newborn son in september? the world is full of blessings and possibility, even in the midst of pain and fatigue ❤️🙏🏻
for a limited time only- .. .. .. here is an antidote to some of the heaviness we've all been feeling as we name ourselves. this is charlotte. she is my niece and i don't know if you can tell by the look on my face, but holding her in my arms makes me blissfully happy. i know i'm biased, but i am not wrong when i say this: she is kind and she is relational. she is really funny, and also sassy (of course). the loving and generous spirit she embodies is something that i hope she always maintains, no matter what comes her way. anyway... i'm remembering the first time i held her in my arms, not long after she was born. i felt overwhelmed at the gravity of her presence and i knew it would be a special kind of blessing to get to be her aunt in this lifetime. ❤️🙏🏻 .. .. .. all that is to say, i have some hope for the future.
happy #nationalcomingoutday ! to the first girl to ever break my heart- thank you. claiming you as my love and my partner gave me the courage to own up to what many around me knew, whether they liked it or not. it spurred me into truly "coming out" not just to my community, but to my family- the thing i was most afraid to do. it was difficult, but it ultimately strengthened my bond with them. it fortified my spirit to stand in truth and demand respect and belonging for myself and for others. for folks like myself who slip in and out of visibility depending on the perceived gender of our partners, coming out small scale is something we do often. there is a privilege and a cost that comes with that. i'm deeply grateful to all the queer and trans folks in this world who live out their truth everyday. you make all of our lives more possible. lastly, FUCK GENDER!!
i want to thank the woman who sat with me on the stairs of city hall in philadelphia as i was in the throes of a brutal panic attack. it was the summer of 2016 and i was at a rally decrying the murder of philando castille. i was in pain, disoriented, and barely able to speak. i was sure that i was dying. she asked me if it would be okay to sit with me. she told me she was a therapist and she asked if it would be okay for her to help me while i waited for my room mate to pick me up. she asked if i knew what was happening to me. she told me name things that i saw in front of me and slow down my breathing. she asked if i was under the care of a therapist or psychiatrist. i told her i couldn't afford therapy. but the even harder truth was that i couldn't afford to lose more years of my life, stuck and broken and afraid. she told me that there are therapists who help people like me, pay-what-you-can services. i made the call that week. therapy center of philadelphia did my intake and connected me to two amazing therapists that changed my life. anxiety disorder. PTSD. yes! just having some words for all of it was so healing. i've done things since then that i never thought i could do. i've healed from trauma in ways that i never thought possible. and i haven't had a panic attack since august 2016. #worldmentalhealthday 2017. still in therapy. still healing. all thanks to that earth angel that found me and showed me love ❤️🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
feeling enormous. depleted. confused. : : : i promise not to make my body for granted ever again. i promise to take good care of it. self care and nurture is not just for wealthy ppl. however,that is what my upbringing taught me. my body and mind are for work. "their" bodies are for nurture and relaxation. "must be nice" is what i would always hear. i find myself saying it all the time. no more. time to let that shit unravel. no more "they" in my heart and in my mind. class shame, trauma. these are all parts of my body. some of it i can't ever erase. some of it, i can parse. and i've been doing that for the past several months. you picking up what i'm puttin down?? i'm doing a mini set on @dromeboxlabs tomorrow night at 10pm pst. you can watch online. i'll post the link in my bio tomorrow. check it out! what should i wear? i hate that part haha
i don't feel pretty. i don't want to perform the narrative of my life in photos today. i'm going to rest and drink tea and recover my body. : : : when i say i don't feel pretty that doesn't mean i don't think i'm pretty. i have a weird relationship to that word. i was an "ugly duckling"- bullied and scorned from the age of 10-14. i didn't know i was "pretty" until i was in my early/mid twenties. i didn't understand how anyone would be attracted to me. not having possession of my body and its meaning in society got me into many abusive and predatory spaces in those years. those circumstances forced me to cultivate the parts of me that have always been beautiful: my voice, my words, my tenderness, my sense of justice. i like those parts of me. and i like this picture of me. when i take off my make up, i look wild. like some ancient celtic warrior spirit- i'm back and i've come to destroy the system. also, to make beautiful music. ❤️✌🏼
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